Risk

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud

was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."

- Anais Nin                                     



This is a quote that found its way to me, again, just when I needed. I love how the universe works that way.

I first came out when I was 21 and came out in stages as I became more comfortable with the process. By the time I was 23, I was out to everyone except for my parents. Fear doesn't begin to describe what I was feeling. I knew that it was going to change their world and, most likely, devastate them to a large degree. The environment in which I was raised and information I possessed were mutually exclusive. I knew that it was going to change our relationship forever and may very well destroy it all together. So I wore a mask and pretended.

I have no idea how I pulled it off successfully for almost 2 years. All I know is that by the time July 2003 came around, I had had about all that I could handle. It was killing me. I kept the mask for so long because I was afraid of losing my parents and the relationship that we had. But I came to realize that the relationship wasn't "real" because of that very mask. It killed me to lie to them for so long. I think that is what hurt me the most. I was raised to be an honest person, but also raised to believe that homosexuality is wrong. I finally decided that our beliefs may be different, but that in telling them I would be both truthful to them AND myself. I would be honest and put my integrity first. It was too hard to pretend anymore. It was, at the same time, the hardest thing that I have ever had to do and the most liberating.

That quote spoke to me and told me exactly what I needed to do....and I've not regretted it a single moment since.